faith and the death of love. ch-ch-ch-changes.

faith has been on my mind a lot lately for a lot of different reasons... or so i thought. i think this is where its all been going or going on about.

*****
star'd crossed heaven,
relentlessly reeling.
i'd crash the sky.
i would
crash the sky.
______________

the certainty of my belief was beyond reproach. it was as if a religion. i had faith. i needed no proof, rather, the veracity of love was there, in the eyes as only i could see, as only i was shown. trusted, let in, able. this was my faith.

the thing about faith, and the thing you may never understand as a non-believer, is the power found in that solitary understanding. there is no question. there is no doubt. there is no uncertainty. there is no fear.

there is nothing any person can say or do, or anything that could possibly happen to unravel that thing, except yourself and the object of your certainty.

my faith became undone. i am still troubled about this. i had talked myself out of it, banished it away, or simply stopped looking... why on earth a person would do this? it's a stunning question even now. it has something to do with the elasticity of the mortal coil, it is about energy and change and motion. i had written thousands of words during this period to try and understand the elusive quality of why, and yet i can study for hours and it slips away still in a fog of unknowing.

nevertheless, gradually, my certainty became mere notions of understanding. very weak. it became a cardhouse of principled stances. it became instead; hope desire wish want.

all of that certainty washed away just as the soot of doused ashes bleed black into the earth in a rainstorm.

this is how you kill love. just stop believing.

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bowie:
i still don't know what i was waiting for
and my time was running wild
a million dead-end streets
every time i thought i'd got it made
it seemed the taste was not so sweet