call me anything you want

but call me tobacco-free when you do.

just smoked my last one. its the patch or gum or nothing after this.

i've been here before, and know i can do it. i can also make easy on myself or hard... i'm choosing easy.

so... here's to clear lungs, long life, nice smelling clothes, and even better kisses. i'll try and be on my best behavior for the next few days.

xoxo,
~kw

no more fear

she had said something about living with fear and frankly, i didnt grasp it until recently... and yeah boy, do i get it.

i will never again live in fear of losing a relationship.

i'm not talking about the fear of being ripped away by death, or simply missing someone. no.

i'm talking about living in fear of saying the right thing, doing the right things, being the right person.

living in fear of losing the relationship is all about behavior modification. its about not rocking the boat, its about walking on eggshells and being perfect for the other. its about appeasement.

its about loss of self. its about becoming the need. its about restless sleep and wondering. its about guessing, and not saying and not doing.

its about silence.




fear devours dreams and creates doubt.

i will not live in fear of losing a relationship. this, my wish for you as well.

updates

so i had my blood worked up yesterday, and it appears that the warfarin is not working. either there is something in my diet that is contradicting the drug, or something... anyway, its all haywire. the docs are trying to puzzle it all together and hopefully i will have an answer and a course of action before the end of the day today.

also, i must stop smoking. the toil on my overall health is becoming apparent. specifically, i'll never be able to cease the warfarin (or its replacement) until i am off the weed for at least six months. this is not good news to me as i had hoped to be done with the drug therapy by the burn.

the bad news is that the increased and terminal swelling i am facing in my left leg is indicative of continued thrombosis developing, and coupled with the ineffectiveness of the drug therapy, i still continue to be at risk for a pulmonary embolism and resulting lung failure... er... yeah. that's death. i had thought i was done with that, but my hopes have been dashed again.

i'm worried.

anyway... i'm not posting this to seek sympathy, but support and understanding. people keep asking how i am, and this is what it is. i've stopped tobacco before, and i'll do it again. over the next 5 days i'll be limiting my consumption and be on the patch on august 16 or sooner. i'm going to black rock as a non-smoker.

for those of you who know me in meatspace, please help me with this.

tightwire

stagger
drop
dip
twist

you ask me how you've heard and where the tomb holds it's memory
steady now
i'll show you while in motion

basement meetings
long-held greetings
overly waiting
hunger and taking

step

fawn and duck

inhale and hold

shake

fits of fury
glass and stains
anger wells up in hurting tears

breathe

sitting in the sky
mountain and cloud
a home for dreamers

step

screeching halt
tightened jaws
screaming

breathe

do you think?
could it be?
can we make?
yes. you. alone.

step

laughter
silence

breathe

laughtersilence
weeping

step

laughtersilenceweeping

step

hold

exhale

the knees bend akimbo toes clutching around nothing

hold

eyes shift right pulling vision down
nose follows

wait for it

forehead drifts off over collarbone
takes spine with it
trailing
a kite tail

soon

left shoulder crosses hip
inhale and hold
push down

exhale
push out
accelerate

i see my ankles in front of the tree tops and close my eyes

she came to me as a phantom. an image away and unclear shimmering. i resolved to resolve and she came clear for the first time and then rippled quickly into darkness. she haunted me for days, weeks... appearing left and right, in front of me and behind, finally settling down for my inquiries. it was a touch and go thing. a wandering search. trial and error of finding the dead ends and meeting again to try and try. at some point, we died and our frequencies came in very close proximity. we drifted together for centuries testing everything we came across. i remember the shafts of light, the terrors of choice, the wondering and calm, and the fire of wrenching away. tentatively (yeah, remember that it was always tentatively), we sat together in darkness and floated above our corpse and dissolved into nothing.


inhale

madness abated

easy? hardly.

how can i make it clear? how can i say what has been said a thousand times over until i am sick of myself, the prattle, the trainwreck? it is not with ease that i turn away from that, it is out of fucking self-preservation. its all laid out there, its all been said once or three times.

ready for four more? shall i continue only for the satisfaction of knowledge that yes, it (still) fucking hurts?

okay then. take these fucking words to heart. i've chosen carefully, there is no ambiguity.

i've been killed dead. everything i thought or wanted or expected or did or tried or hoped or dreamed or lusted or kept tucked tight against my chest so as not to ever lose has been stripped away, pounded flat with bulldozers and wrecking balls, burnt into ashes, and buried in a fissure that turned out to be simply a crack straight into the depths of hell.

am i clear enough now?

i have no choice but to resurrect.

..and upon my re-birth would anyone expect i return the same as i was? morose, bent, lost, and clawing at the crumbs and bits of gristle left over?

no. i say no.

i say no more.