a long time coming...

so, wow... a whole month without a post.

guess i need to get on it if i'm going to do this thing. not as if i don't have other places, this is... i dunno... apart from all that.

last night was... fun. yeah, i had fun. between the worrying about julie and whether or not she was okay and having a good time, and trying to engage nancy and brian beyond the superficial, and trying to avoid sherry and marissa while at the same time on the lookout for marissa looking at me so i could stick my tounge out at her...

yeah. i'm still fucked up over all this. i kid myself about it, but it fucking hurts something awful. i'm trying to lay groundwork for resolution, i'm trying to keep the door open... but i am alone in my efforts. i cant do it by myself. each of them needs to step up with their own efforts if anything is going to change.

it's one year exactly since i met brian and nancy, and i fell in love at once. at the very first moment, i knew i had to have these people in my life. we built a friendship, and something more than that in a short time... now, its all gone.

i sent nancy a note a couple of months ago saying i'd like to talk to her... no answer.

i saw her last night at the party and at some point ended up next to her and said its been a year, blah blah blah... how are you, etc...

she cant even look me in the eye.