the last time i saw you

the last time i saw you, you told me you liked my hair getting long and then you disappeared

the last time i saw you, you were all pomp and no substance

the last time i saw you, you made like you were all together

the last time i saw you, you pretended i was not there

the last time i saw you

i always hope its not the last time

one

its very strange time. things are not what they seem, or maybe its just me. maybe i was a polyanna. i dont know.

but it seems like a lot of what i knew to be true, simply never was.

it varies, though. sometimes i still see that amazing dream i had sitting there, waiting.

from remarkable and brilliant to just sad. this is my inner voice.

hmmm.

i made a move to correct a grievious error i made with those i thought were my closest. i believe it was accepted, but still... the hole in my heart spills stars.

i move through each and every day with intent and effort to repair damages struck against us, our inner circle.
and is it worthwhile? where are the fruits of my labors? is it too late? was there so much demolished that i am dreaming pipe dreams... whistling into the cold dark night to no one?

this is not to say i am doom and gloom. i have my moments. seriously though, i have began to wonder about my mental capacities. i remember bliss... somewhere... back there... in another lifetime.

fixated on her. she appears everywhere i go. i want to avoid her razor glares and burning tounge... wait, no... that's semi-truth.

i really want to resolve. be at peace.

is it something i do alone? do i have to wait for her?

are these questions that i should have learned the answers to a long time ago?

am i spinning out of control?

i know the identity and integrity of who i am.

sometimes, its all i can hang onto. maybe thats all we really ever have. moment to moment... who am i this moment? is it true to what i recognize?

clearly, i have more questions than answers... and each thought brings more questions.

feeling fluid right now. where is the current taking me?

is this just mental masturbation?