saturday she left.

not in a 'i'm going to think thing over' way, but a 'we are done' way.


last words: 'i'll be back tomorrow with boxes.'

tomorrow came and no boxes. i called monday and made dinner reservations.

it was wierd. stunted.

but at the end of it all she came home.

tuesday was a knock-down drag out. not an argument per se... but a relationship crashing against uncharted rocks.

it was over.

i've never had my ring off for more than three days when it was being resized, but i took it off tuesday.

it wasn't until friday we were talking again. hard. difficult. hard words without compassion. hard visions without her hard realities.

but then... something happened. something which made sense. something to hang onto.

it's still tenuous. by a thread.

but we are together still.

'forever and always'

this is on the inside of my ring.


do i believe?

thoughts for food

i feel like so many things have gone stupid so fast for me. i'm actually quite suprised and in shock most of the time (and that's a major realization for me... shellshocked).

julie chides me on my open heart policy. 'you're setting yourself up to get hurt' says she...

i dunno anything anymore/
everything which seemed so right - just went to so much shit.

i dont trust anything or anyone.

least of all myself.

sorry -
-- fuck all...

i know i've been on a perpetual downer for several months. i fucking hate it. i'm sick of it, and i'm certain anyone who gives a shit about me is sick of hearing about it too.

santa came to town...

so i went on the drunken santa rampage. was fun, no doubt, but i spent the better part of the morning before going out in reflection. making a list, as it were...

i've been thinking about my circle of love. those close to me, those i call family.

i had 5 which i thought were my inner circle. this is the one just beyond my immediate circle which is filled with julie.

these are people for whom i feel as though live directly in my heart.

i say i had 5.

3 have pulled up stakes.

i feel like an old empty dusty house with outlines on the walls where photos used to hang.

i like to say that those i love stay in my heart until it stops beating. i believe this, i allow this.

does it matter?

some letters

k r d s o s f e f x s e t f g b a p t l c x o k f g n a m c r

some letters

some letters put together in strings
some letters made too late or never at all
some letters left in a pile
some letters giving life
some letters taking it
some letters shrieking
some letters wailing
some letters in a cold hard place
some letters from the outside
some letters making no difference
some letters wanting to step up and scream in your ear
some letters written in secret
some letters sprayed shotgun to the world
some letters ignored
some letters rejoiced
some letters create
some letters made insignifigant
some letters say all
some letters nothing at all
some letters touching
some letters leaving no doubts
some letters arching across the sky
some letters returned
some letters pour out
some letters still waiting to be heard